I felt myself fading... I knew I was reaching a low point. (This was actually a few minutes before my mom showed up.) I was getting hungry and cranky, but still didn't want to get an epidural yet. I felt like I could handle the contractions on my own for a bit longer but because lying down on the bed was the absolute most painful position I could be in, finding a way to sleep for a bit was NOT going to be easy. So, we called the nurse in and after she talked to Dr Tate, she recommended Nubain which would just help me to relax for a bit. Well, she put it into my heplock and within 30 seconds I was completely relaxed and although not fully asleep, I was definitely relaxed and was taking full advantage of it. I heard my mom come in, but I didn't have the energy to open my eyes to say hello. About 45 minutes after my "happy drug" entered my body, it was gone just as quick. I felt my contractions jump back into full swing and I jumped up just as quickly and hopped back on my exercise ball for some bouncy time. I called Kristin to ask for some pointers on what exercises I could do to move the baby down more and she had about 30 seconds before my next contraction came along and I think I either hung up on her or said a quick "goodbye and I love you" (I'm hoping I ended the conversation this way... but I honestly can't remember).
Back on my birthing ball! I was ready to tackle this labor!
I'll also take a moment to just say how INCREDIBLE Chris was during this entire experience. My sweet husband just doesn't function very well off of little sleep... and he had only gotten about an hour of sleep on Tuesday night before heading into the hospital. He would stand up and let me hold onto him through all my contractions. After they started to get more intense, he was still there and was a great support, but I needed more from him. I needed him to tell me I was beautiful and was doing a great job. So - instead of getting mad at him in my head, I told him to get in the game and to encourage me more. I even remember getting a little annoyed when I'd look up at him after a contraction and he'd be watching tv over my shoulder! Ha ha! I think it's hysterical now - but for some reason at the moment - I expected him to just be staring at me in complete awe that I was doing this naturally. I mean - he HAD done this to me afterall. This was ALL his fault, right? He needed to suffer a little bit and watching TV while I breathed through some of the most intense pain of my life was not cutting it. I just think it's hysterical now - looking back at this - all I can think about was how amazing he was to me all day long. Love this guy....
Jessica stopped back by during her lunch break and took Chris down to the cafeteria for some lunch. They ate (with my blessing) their yummy french fries and sandwiches while I bounced up and down. Jessica truly was a life saver as far as distractions went. She made the time go by way faster when she stopped by.
I was allowed to have Jello and juices so I made an order for "all of the above" since I really hadn't eaten anything since 5 pm the night before. They brought me one tiny container of Jello and several juice boxes and a few hours later I decided I wanted more Jello because I could feel myself starting to fade. It was mid afternoon and I was hungry and cranky. Well guess what - the hospital was "out" of Jello. How is that possible? I decided that was the least of my worries and downed more juice hoping it'd give me enough energy for the rest of the day ahead of me.
Our nurse kept telling me that Tate would probably be by after his appointments at his office were through and when we still had no sign of Tate by 6 pm, I was getting worried. I was thinking I was SURELY getting close because I had nearly puked all over the hospital room several times (a sign my nurse was sure that things were progressing) and I was "thinking" I was maybe starting to feel pressure. The nurse called Doc T and he wasn't going to able to come by for a few more hours so I begged her to go ahead and check me for progress. Well, with high hopes of being 8-9 cm, I closed my eyes awaiting the exciting news. And when I heard the words come out of her mouth, I kept my eyes closing thinking maybe it wasn't really true if I didn't make eye contact with her. SURELY she was wrong. SURELY she was mistaken. I opened my eyes and the reality set in that I was still at 5 cm. After an ENTIRE day of contractions with no epidural. An entire day of working my BUTT off on the exercise ball. Doing DEEP squats up and down getting the baby to move down. I was done. I hated everyone in the world. I was going to have another c-section. My body was NOT going to be able to have this baby vaginally. My dreams of having a baby the way God intended was gone. GONE! I was going to have another EXTREMELY invasive surgery on my body and another long road to recovery was to come. I was devastated. I immediately asked for more Nubain because I didn't care anymore. I wasn't going to give in to the epidural until Doc T was there to check me again, but I knew that the epidural was in my future. I started hyperventilating - full on panic attack came on. I wasn't able to breathe, I wasn't able to think clearly, all I knew was that my dreams of a vaginal birth were down the drain. I would never experience the birth I wanted. It wasn't meant to be. I was shattered. The nurse couldn't come fast enough with the Nubain. She put it in my body and I asked (more like shouted) to my mom and Chris that I didn't want to hear a WORD - NO conversation at all. A few minutes later, my mom's phone rings and she answers in her normal chippy voice and I nearly lost it. I asked (more like ordered) her to leave the room and fell back into my depressed, "sorry for myself" state of "somewhat" relaxation. I felt the Nubain wear off after about 20 minutes and I went RIGHT back into my state of hysteria. I cried and cried into Chris' shirt. I absolutely hated my c-section the first time and knowing it was in my future now was absolutely the worst thing I could imagine. WHY couldn't my body progress in labor? WHY couldn't my perfectly healthy body do what it was supposed to do? I told Chris to immediately text our entire growth group to ask for prayers. He said he'd been trying but for some reason neither of our phones were able to send out text messages anymore. Whatever - I didn't care anyway. It was done. I had been defeated. I just laid back and prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I was MAD. I was mad at God for allowing me to feel like a vaginal birth was what I was supposed to do. I truly had felt for at least a year or so that God had been pushing me towards learning about a VBAC and changing my heart to be a huge supporter for VBACs. I never really approached the VBAC process without prayer and I just couldn't believe that He would put me through this pregnancy yearning for a vaginal birth - and in the end just tearing it away from me after an entire day of labor. I was honest with God and told Him I was mad at Him - and pleaded with Him to give me the birth I knew deep down He had planned for me to have. I laid there in silent prayer..... for what seemed like hours. Then - Doc T finally showed up.....
Part 3 coming tomorrow!
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